Dr. J’s Guide to Surviving the Crud

Image credit: https://cdn.theatlantic.com/assets/media/img/mt/2015/09/fevbab/lead_960.jpg?1442420148

I’ve had a sinus infection for something like six weeks now. Finally starting to get over it (fourth round of antibiotics for the win!), so I thought I’d do y’all a solid and give you some good tips on surviving the crud:

1. Drink lots of water. Like, a lot a lot. If you can somehow redirect a river into your mouth, do it.

2. Avoid caffeine and alcohol since they both dry you out (although hot toddies are allowed unless….)

3. No alcohol if you’re taking antibiotics. Consider other alternatives such as pot or cocaine. The latter ought to clear up your sinuses if you’ve got a bacterial infection up in there.

4. Get lots of rest. Stake yourself a place in your favorite chair and only move when it’s absolutely necessary. Netflix binging is acceptable in this sort of situation.

5. Make sure to eat. Avoid sugar, as it’s an inflammatory. Soup is good food, especially chicken soup. If you’re like me and have food allergies, you might have some trouble finding canned and easy-to-fix food. If that’s the case, find what you can and, if possible, guilt trip your friends into making you stuff. Or your spouse, if you have one.

6. Consider marrying the friend who makes you food then you don’t have to guilt trip them when it happens again.

7. Take hot showers. The steam and heat will feel great. If you’ve got a membership to the Y or some other health club type place, use a steam room. If you’ve got a rich friend with a steam room, consider guilt tripping them into letting you use it. Also consider marrying them.

8. Stay away from social media. Nobody likes to hear your whining, and your fever/antibiotic-induced loopiness will likely come back to haunt you.

9. Play video games if you can, especially ultra-violent ones. Pretend you’re killing viruses. Viruses are telepathic and they’ll get the hint.

10. Don’t disappear for weeks at a time. That will prompt your friends to say, “You’re alive!” when you return, and nobody wants that.

11. Once you’ve recovered, get plenty of sunshine and eat at least two tablespoons of dirt per day for a good week. Build up that immune system!

And that’s it. Print this out and stick it on the fridge so you’re prepared the next time you get the crud. Trust me, I’m a doctor.

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Creative writing Instructor, Full Sail University. Writer of fiction, poetry, literary criticism, and reviews.

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